Story Time

This story is not “My Story” in that it does not define the whole of who I am.  How can you sum up all of who you are in one essay?  I am complex and complicated, like everyone.  I am flawed and flawless,  fabulous and foolish.  I want you to know from the start, that I have enough self-awareness to see that I have, in the past, wanted to present a very pristine picture of myself. When my marriage fell apart, the impact was exponential because it didn't match the picture I'd put out into the world or the picture I held in my own heart and mind.  So, this is the story of what happened that led to the end of my marriage. This mega life-trial introduced me to coaching and led me to the work I do now, which helps women navigate betrayal trauma in their lives.

Anyone who knows me at all knows my deep connection to the world of inspiration.  An eternal optimist, a Pollyanna, and Oprah groupie, I have been the epitome of one who is annoyingly lookin on the bright side. 

A sunshine girl.

See this stack of journals?  This documents 6 years of my life, from age 46-52.  These 6 years were HARD.  This is the story of what happened... and why it is that I have a whole new life now.

On August 18, 2017 (yes the exact date is burned into my memory because it was the beginning of the most terrible awful time of my life) I'm driving down a little 1.6 mile road in Lafayette, LA on a 4 day getaway with my youngest child. I'd just dropped her off at a cousin's house.  I hit a button to return a call from my husband.  He sounds anxious (nothing new).  He tells me something has come up and he needs to talk with me about it in person.  We won't be "in person" for four more days.  "You're scaring me. Just tell me what's going on!"  That's when he lets me know he's been having an affair and her husband found them out.  

This conversation lasted the distance of a one mile stretch along Vincent Rd.  Every word he spoke to me was imprinted in my brain as I passed each marker; "You remember (insert her name)" the old sunflower field goes by, "She invited me up to her room and I went,"  the bed and breakfast, "I know this is going to cause you a lot of pain and you will need some time" the market at the light.  Record scratch.  "Wait, you SLEPT with (her)?"  "I slept with (her)."  I shouted some appropriate language for the moment and said, "I get to do whatever the (bleep) I want now!" (Here's a revealing statement).

My Pollyanna view of the world exploded.  No, it crumbled.  

I was in such shock I went completely numb.  I was not in my own body the entire weekend.  I could not cry.  I had a feeling like ice in my veins.  I couldn't eat or sleep and stomach was so sick I was completely emptied out and weak. I faked my way through the next few days and abandoned the vacation early so that I could go home and "take to the bed" and look him in the eye and ask all my swirling questions.

Naturally, there is no short way to tell this story... so let me give you the highlights:

• It takes some months for the "whole truth" to come out.
• With each new revelation, I feel like a piñata... the hits keep coming but I refuse to break. 
• I decide that maybe this could be good for us (because that's how much I didn't want my life to have to change and because... Pollyanna).
• We go to couple's therapy for 18 months. 
• I start crying there and I can't stop for years (I never used to be able to cry, but this broke me open in the biggest way).
• I finally get my own therapist.
• Then I hire a coach.
• Coaching is so helpful and hopeful and EMPOWERING... I enter training to become a coach (if I can learn to help others heal then I can definitely heal myself, right?)
• 4 years go by, and I have to face the truth that is undeniable; I don't want to be married anymore... this is killing me.
• We divorce.
• Things get worse for me.
• Things get better for him!
• I'm so embarrassed, I am so alone, and now I have limited financial resources.
• I learn that I am living with PTSD.
• I learn that I still have a long way to go to heal from this betrayal trauma.

I cannot express how destabilizing it is to find yourself, at age 50, suddenly without your "person" trying to find your feet.  Trying to find joy in each day, trying to have hope, trying believe in yourself and motivate yourself to continue to do what is good and healthy (mentally and physically), trying to build a business to support other humans in their own crumbled heap of a life while trying to pick up the pieces of your own.

In every human life, there will be great suffering and great loss... unless you die young.  

It is in these darkest times that we are most malleable for real change.  

I had to face a lot of hard facts.  I had to tell myself the real truth, not the polished, sunny side up version.

This whole thing sucks.  It is not fair.  Women get the short end of the stick in divorce in every single way.  I am at an extreme disadvantage in terms of my financial security and ability to provide for myself.  I don't have 30 years of corporate experience, tenure, or reputation in an industry.  He's at the top of his earning years and will go on to reap the benefits of a life and career that I helped him build. At the time of my divorce, I still had 2 years to go in my job of raising kids.  I was just about to “retire,” and now I have to start a whole career from scratch?

The total immersion in coach training from 2019-2023 was a rich treasure-trove of ideas and healing modalities that supported my post-traumatic growth.  What is that? A psychological phenomenon where individuals experience positive changes and transformations in their lives after enduring a traumatic event.

Honestly, coaching was my life preserver.

The trauma of betrayal is one part of the journey.  The trauma following divorce was a whole unexpected twist.  Naturally, I thought getting divorced would free me from all the pain I was stuck in. 

No.  

New pain was yet to be revealed.

I no longer had health insurance.  I couldn't pay for therapy.  I couldn't afford the car he bought me to say he was sorry for what he did.  I would soon lose my house.  I had no idea where I was going to go.  I was terrified of losing connection with his family (that was MY family too!)  Should I give up on this coaching dream and get a real job?  Maybe.  

Meanwhile, he's with someone new and their faces keep popping up on my newsfeed.

Why am I so triggered by him moving on?  Because when there is unresolved trauma, it lives in the body and waits for moments just like this.  Then you can be trapped in the trauma for weeks - or longer.  The anxiety of preventing future trauma responses creates a hyper-vigilance in you and you try to control everything.  

You tell everyone to stop talking to you about what they are seeing on his newsfeed.  You tell your kids to stop telling you about his new car and his Peloton and his vacations and his new vacation home.  I cannot handle knowing anything about how great his life is when my day-to-day reality is

so

friggin

hard.

So, how did I crawl out of this?  First, I had to learn about healing from PTSD.  EMDR therapy and coaching helped. I entered a new coach training program specifically for coaching the unconscious mind and healing past trauma and inner child wounds. I learned to calm and regulate my nervous system. I learned in real time, how to be gentle with myself and admit that this is really, really difficult.  I had to use all the tools I'd been learning for 4+ years.  I had to allow myself to be brave enough to think a new thought rather than spiral down down down.  

I had to believe that somehow, I DO get to have a happy ending.

I had to take back my power and think of myself as strong and capable and smart and resilient.

This wasn't my fault.

This happened... but it doesn't define me.

This might be rock bottom... but it's a solid surface to push off from.  

If you were following me when I had to move out of our family home, you know I travelled.  In exchange for the expenses of a rental, I put all my stuff in storage and travelled all over the US... then I went to Bali for 2 months.  I called it my "gap year" and I documented it on Instagram. 

I asked myself, "If you could do anything you want to do right now... what do you WANT to do?"  

Travel.

The answer came so easily.

Can I really do that?  

Umm, yes.

I get to do anything I want to do now.

My ex-husband and I didn't do a lot of traveling unless it was related to work.  Our 25th anniversary trip to Italy was cancelled due to our marriage falling apart right after our 24th anniversary.  If I might have to get an 8-5 job for the next 15 years... then maybe I could check off some bucket list items as I graduated from motherhood.  

I received some criticism for traveling... but I am a fully verified member of the We Do Not Care Club and it was the right choice for me.  I am so grateful for that time.  It was rich and wonderful and healing.  I was out on my own.  Every decision I made was only for me.  I was in nature and in awe of nature.  It was my Eat Pray Love... and I have no regrets.  

Upon returning home, I choose to go back to teaching for the security and benefits.  Unfortunately, I returned to the profession at a volatile time in our district.  This is a story for another time, but trust me when I say, teachers are working like dogs 12+ hours a day including weekends in Houston ISD right now.  Never did I ever expect this kind of intensely inhumane working conditions... not to mention the unethical pressure and standards we were forced to place on the students. 

I gave myself this summer to really rest after that year.  I worked with a coach to help me find my bravery and claim what it is I really want for myself.  

I want to be coaching.  I have a clear desire to create something of value from my lived experience.

Specifically, I want to work with women who are healing from infidelity and betrayal trauma. 

I want to work with women in groups where we can see ourselves in each other and feel the connection and support of our sisters who have lived through this same trauma.  Oh, if only I had some other women to talk to during this dark time.  

I journeyed through this all backward.  I didn’t learn that I was dealing with trauma until after my divorce, which was 4 years after the initial trauma!  

I am now supporting women in all the ways I wish I could have been supported.

We are addressing the trauma.  

We are regulating the nervous system.  

We are rewiring the brain for the self-belief that is required to rebuild a new life.

My story is just beginning.  

Today, I have great peace.  I know how to listen to myself.  I know when something is right for me. I support myself.  I have overcome co-dependency.  I have learned to manage my mind so that I experience true contentment (most of the time).  I have returned to optimism.  I’ve let go of Pollyanna, but I’m still a starry-eyed romantic and I know I can create any reality I want for myself.  

You can too.